Failed Valentine, Friendship Failure and Reflections

By David Ka Wai Pan | March 25, 2013

My failed Valentine confession, in part 1 and part 2, morphed into a friendship failure — the type of transformation where I sit back, following our phone call, and ask myself, why in the world would she talk to me for six hours, if she wasn’t interested in being friends at all?

Why?

I don’t think I really know the cause, or causes, behind her decision. My initial thought was she had trust issues. Regardless, the moment we hung up, I started thinking about the countless times I’ve communicated with strangers and whether this conversation was any different.

The truth was no. But my attitude, in the aftermath of my failed confession, was very different. Instead of acting like a creep, continually believing if I just tell her how I feel one more time, she would like me, I wanted to be her friend instead, thinking, since we talked like friends when we first met, maybe we could continue our friendship. Almost as if this confession never took place.

But she thought otherwise, insisting I wanted to be friends with her to “ask her out later.”

And so, the emphasis she was a “complicated” person, the lack of interest in continuing this friendship, these repeated references throughout our conversation basically meant she wanted nothing to do with me. Not now. Not ever.

But I am not one to drown in rejections and choose, instead, to reflect on our conversations. I started asking bigger picture questions. What did I learn from this conversation about myself, about my interaction with others, and about social interaction, in general, as an adult?

My main conclusion, or thesis if you will, is roughly summed up this way: If I want to have fun talking to you, I will have fun. If I want to be your friend, I will be your friend. In other words, I do what I have to do, to do what I want to do.

You, the reader, may be asking how I reached such a conclusion. The following are insights I immediately wrote down, following our conversation, with the exception of the last one, which was thought of in the shower:

Be a troll, saying random s**t to p*ss people off in the pursuit of fun, to have fun
Tell stories as meaningful parts of conversation
Use trolling as a means to switch topics, make people laugh and introduce sarcasm
Respect people’s wishes by not imposing your own will, but still let others know what you think and want

e.g., She didn’t want to talk again. I said OK. I don’t like it, but it’s fine.

Talk about different topics and switch them by being a troll or just switching topics
Let your feelings be known
People like talking to those with sarcasm and trolling (makes conversation fun)
Don’t worry about sounding nervous or anything
Don’t limit your topics with people. Talk about whatever it is that is on your mind
Figure out what people are really saying, emotionally and physically. Words alone may not be what they seem
Use questions to get to know them, keep thinking simple to learn more new information about them, and connect the pieces
You don’t need to know everything about a person to know their personality, their character, their intent, their lifestyle

you just have to refer to ‘k’

If I ever want to be friends with someone, I just have to talk to them like a friend, opening myself up, talking about anything, whether it’s weird or not, and not be afraid of getting hurt
If I ever get hurt, that’s fine. I get hurt, but getting hurt reveals a person’s intentions, views on friendships and closeness of that friendship
Talk about any topic you want to talk about it. You don’t have to know everything to talk about it, like celebrities and bald Britney Spears
My interpersonal skills are just fine. But if I open up, my interpersonal skills will be even better, like exercising critical thinking skills, sarcasm, humor, and empathy with others.
Talk about anything with people, even if they don’t care. Develops consistency in communication style
Have superficial conversations with people just to have fun and bond
In that brief moment after finishing a thought, or after listening to comments, you can continue the conversation by changing the topic, asking questions, acting sarcastically, or become silent. You can do whatever you want to continue the conversation.

Take them as they are, and interpret them in any way. But as Pink, in her song Try would say: “Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame, someone’s bound to get burned. But just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You’ve gotta get up and try, try, try. Gotta get up and try, try, try. You gotta get up and try, try, try.”

When there’s a desire to do anything, whether it&rsqou;s a confession or calling someone and getting to know them, you do what you gotta do.

That’s it.

Photo: Candice Links under Creative Commons, via Flickr